Thursday, August 16, 2012

Fairy Tales, Fables & Myths

Once upon a time, I dreamed of having lots of beautiful babies who would grow to be beautiful children, well mannered and dressed like you see on TV. They would become President or CEOs or doctors. Then I went to college and thought, "Kids??! Oh hell no."

Fast forward to marriage. Neither of us was certain of the whole kid thing so we got a dog. We figured if we could keep her alive, kids might stand a chance in our house. Well, one unruly dog and two kids later, Welcome to the jungle. And yes, I believe Axel Rose does live here.

Am I a good parent? Well, it depends on the day. I have the patience of a gnat and the idea of cleaning up after two nonstop tornadoes ALL DAY, EVERY DAY is like being that fly who just cannot get out of the window no matter how many times he bangs his head against the glass. But they sure are cute and I've discovered one thing: I'm an excellent liar.  Yep, fairy tales, fables and myths. And not your Princess and the Pea and Goldilocks nonsense. True lies that keep your kids on their toes.

I have always looked for the parenting handbook that addresses the crazy questions and circumstances you get into with kids. Is Santa real? Where does the Easter Bunny live and why does he like chocolate so much? If Granny died in Alabama and wants to visit us as a ghost, does she have to take a special highway? Where do babies come from? Why can’t you stand up to pee, Mommy? The list goes on and on.

Well, here it is. I am going to use this blog to help answer the burning questions you get from your kids, plus share a few stories of how I weaseled out of a few tough situations with my kids. I’m no expert by any means – no counseling credentials, social work degrees, or human behavior studies. But I AM pretty creative and an exceptional liar and storyteller, if I do say so myself. I’m fully expecting lots of counseling and therapy books to be written in the future to deal with the aftermath of the stories I tell my kids. I can hardly wait to be a topic on Maury.

So take all of this with a grain of salt, a few knowing chuckles and a large glass of wine. It’s about 80% truth and 20% vodka. And 100% funny. At least I hope it is. If you haven’t found yourself faced with at least one of these questions or awkward scenarios, I am going to send my kids to come live with you. They can give you a quick intro into “duck and dodge” parenting techniques.

Here are a few samplings of real questions I have gotten from my kids.

Question: Is there a boogie man?
Answer: Why yes, there is, and I'll invite him over if you don't quit picking your nose and putting it into your mouth.

Question: Where does Santa live and what do his elves do when it's not Christmas?
Answer: He lives in the North Pole during Christmas and Florida for the rest of the year. And as for the elves, they are college dropouts who have no other skills. So you'd better get back to studying, mister.

And my defining moment, ready to be submitted for Mother of the Year 2012: Mom, is there really a tooth fairy?? Because she forgot to come get my tooth last night.

OH NO. Yes, the tooth fairy forgets sometimes. And that story, my friends, will get a post all of its own. Because when you start not only lying about the tooth fairy, but leaving work to get home before your children to stage your visual aids in support of this forgetful tooth fairy, that is when you know you have reached new heights of crazy. So stay tuned for that story.

Do you need a good tale to spin for your child? Let me know and I'll start hatching my evil plan. Your kids can enroll in therapy later.